TRAVIS QUITTING?

I heard a rumor from Travis Armstrong's dog walker's mother's cousin's friend that he is thinking of resigning from the Santa Barbara News-Press. Apparently, his soul is so tortured by his complete and utter failure as the News-Press Opinion Editor that he can't find the inner strength to continue on with the position. According to my super-secret contact (who remains with Dick Cheney in an undisclosed location), Travis has been pondering this move for some time: "Ever since the News-Press meltdown a couple years back," says my contact, "Travis has been increasingly troubled by his declining professionalism in dealing with the Santa Barbara community. After particularly nasty editorials regarding the city council, he's even been known to look in the mirror and say '@#$% you, Travis' over and over. The situation is pretty bad."

When I pressed my contact on the specifics of Mr. Armstrong's recent tumble into depression, he (or she?) thinks that his obsession with Marty Blum is really starting to wear on his conscience. During one particularly down state, Travis was overheard saying, "Man, I blame her for everything from gang violence to gas prices. Heck, I even follow her around now and take pictures for no particular reason. What's wrong with me!?" Travis is so upset about his treatment of Mrs. Blum in recent months that he's even considering printing her response to his next unsubstantiated false allegation ... maybe.

As if these revelations weren't big enough, a friend of a friend of a friend told me that Travis even called Brian Barnwell at home last week to chat about the decision to leave the NP. According to this even more top secret contact, Travis said to Barnwell that he doesn't understand where his fascination with the former city council member comes from. "Even though you're out of office, I can't stop writing about you. " said Armstrong, "I just don't find any of the new people very interesting, you know? I'm sure I will hate one of them eventually, but for now, I get more joy out of writing about how your recent vacation to Disneyland is destroying our community."

Anyway, I'm sure Mr. Armstrong has good reasons to want to leave the News-Press, and we wish him the best of luck. Maybe San Jose will take him back. I hear their mayor is an easy target.

[Editor's Note: Nothing in this blog post is remotely true.]